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001 Weird Voice

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    (The following chapters look at the problem from the perspective of the father, so unlike the first volume, the unspecified subjects below all refer to the father. For example, the father, mother, and wife mentioned in the first volume actually refer to  My father, my mother, and my wife, and the father, son, and wife mentioned in this volume become my father¡¯s father, and my father¡¯s son is me and my father¡¯s wife.)

    In the past two days, I always feel that my spirit is not right.  It seems that someone is always talking in my ear.  Is it possible that I am really about to die?  Thinking of this, an inexplicable emotion rose in my heart.  It may be sadness, but it is not pure sadness, and there seems to be some other emotions mixed in it.  Anyway, it was an uncomfortable emotion.

    Certainly no one would like such a mood, and of course I was no exception.  That sentiment doesn't appear to be all bad, though.  In the past few months, I have almost never felt comfortable.  From the piercing pain from the scar at the beginning, to now there is almost no pain everywhere in the whole body, coupled with the increasingly severe cough, it further triggered and intensified the ubiquitous pain.  This endless pain is constantly eroding his tolerance limit.  I remember that when I was in the hospital, I mentioned it to my son many times: "I hate the kind of person who whimpers when there is pain in his body!" At that time, I was proud of my perseverance.  However, now, I can't bear it anymore and start to "groan and haw".  Perhaps, the way the son looked at him was normal.  However, I inevitably feel ashamed!  I once explained to my son feebly: "I hate 'humming and chirping' the most, but it hurts all over my body, it's really unbearable. Now, I think 'humming twice' will make me feel better."

    The shame is secondary, and the point is that the excruciating pain seems to never end.  Every time I see a doctor, I ask: Is there any way to solve this pain problem?  It's a pity that no matter where the doctor is, even the famous old Chinese doctor in Nanjing can't do anything about it.  Now, I have completely lost confidence in "curing pain".  Strange to say, after I completely lost hope, the pain seemed to become more unscrupulous immediately.  After being tortured so hard, I once said to my son: "Instead of this, I might as well die!" At that time, my son seemed very flustered.  Considering my son's mood, I will try my best to restrain myself from saying similar things in the future.  However, deep down in my heart, I often think like this: Maybe, for me now, death is a kind of relief; maybe, the torment I will suffer in hell may not be as painful as my current self!

    It's just that I think so, but once I really realize that I'm about to fail, there will be a wave of fear mixed with sadness in my heart.  It was precisely because of the complex emotions mixed with all kinds of unhappiness that it distracted him to a large extent.  For a while, the pain on his body seemed to have eased a lot.

    Maybe it's because I'm really afraid of death, maybe it's because of inner concern, maybe it's because I'm not reconciled, anyway, when I feel that I'm about to die, my whole body still inexplicably stimulates a strong desire to survive.  I said to myself: "I must persevere, I must persevere! Isn't it esophageal cancer! There are so many people who have survived, why can't I?"

    It is precisely because of this desire to survive that, in the eyes of outsiders, my physical condition seems to have improved a lot all of a sudden.  My son was quite worried about himself, and he called back to check on him just a day or two after returning to the urban area during the National Day holiday.  I listened to it sincerely, and my wife said: "Son, don't worry, your dad will be fine these two days!"

    Am I really "good enough"?  Only you know your own situation best.  These days, for some reason, I always feel someone chattering in my ears.  The voice seemed familiar.  It seems to be a father, and it seems to be uncles.  They are all long gone.  Hearing their voices is naturally not a good omen.  Otherwise, I won't feel that my time is approaching.

    At first, I always thought it was a hallucination caused by the excessive pain in my body.  Therefore, when I went to bed at night, I deliberately increased the amount of painkillers.  However, I didn't just hear it at night or in my dreams.  Even during the day, I always feel that someone is talking in my ear.  If it was a cowardly person, then I am afraid that he would have been frightened to the point of insanity.

    When I realized that these didn't seem to be hallucinations, the bad feeling became even stronger.  I don't want to be separated from my loved ones forever.  Therefore, at the beginning, I tried my best to avoid those voices.  No matter what they were nagging, I controlled myself not to listen with incomparable perseverance.  During that period of time, even though my ears were full of their voices, under my persistence, I didn't feel any pain at all.Don't know what they were talking about.

    Later, maybe it was because it was too annoying, maybe it was out of curiosity, maybe it was a little resigned to fate, anyway, I began to listen carefully gradually.  Their voices seemed impatient, but I could hear the concern in their words.  They seem to be stating a big event that they think is important to them.  It turned out that I didn't want to hear it, but now, I want to hear it, but I still feel that I can't hear it clearly.  Their voices rang right next to his ears, and their voices were loudly played, but for some reason, he just couldn't hear them clearly.  The voice rang in my ears, but it sounded a little ethereal, and that feeling was indeed rather weird.

    The more you can't hear clearly, the more you want to hear clearly.  It seems that the ancestors took care of me, and it was precisely because I was concentrating on listening to them that I didn't seem to feel the endless and frightening sounds coming from my body in the past two days.  pain.  Not to mention others, even I feel that my spirit has improved a lot these days.

    I am a person who has a stubborn nature of not admitting defeat. Therefore, after persistently listening hard, I feel that the somewhat ethereal voice gradually becomes real and clear.  Maybe it's "Heaven pays off those who work hard", finally, I heard it clearly.  They seem to be eagerly reminding themselves of what they want to eat.  That posture, as if if I don't bring it up now, I will never be able to eat it for the rest of my life.  (Remember the site URL: www.hlnovel.com
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