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Chapter 899 I will teach you my method

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    ?

    Liu Xingting remained silent, and Chu Lihua guessed that he was listening attentively, digesting, or creating a connection by himself; so, she deliberately slowed down her speech, and then said, "So, to judge whether the interaction between you and your parents is healthy, there is one most important thing:  The simple way is to ask yourself¡ªassuming that you need to stay with your parents for a month, do you immediately feel awkward and uncomfortable?

    If you always have very strong negative emotions towards your parents, and feel frequent guilt, fear, anger, and sadness, then it is almost certain that they still have the power to torture you emotionally.

    You find that you are still in the behavior pattern set by your parents.  Next, you may face such a question in your heart, when your parents have done so many terrible things to you, do you want to forgive them?

    It is up to you to forgive or not, but be sure to pay attention to the timing.  This is the second step, jumping out of the trap.

    I have read such a true story in a book. There is a girl named Stephanie who said that she has completely forgiven her stepfather who hurt her as a child and her indifferent mother because her faith required her to do so.

    But for some reason, her life is still very bitter.  On the advice of a counselor, she joined a support group.  The members of this group are all victims like Sfentini, and everyone sat together to share their experiences.

    After hearing what happened to others, Stephanie began to express anger.  A few weeks later, she went to the counselor again, and the long-suppressed anger finally broke out, screaming and cursing her parents for ruining her childhood and her entire life.

    After that, she cried silently for a long time, and said to the counselor: 'You are right, I shouldn't just forgive them like that.  I think God wants me to get better, not to forgive me.  '

    This emotional vent became a turning point for her, and the wounds of the past began to heal gradually.

    For a variety of reasons, many children, like Stephanie, are hasty in forgiving their parents who have hurt them.

    He even thought that his childhood misfortunes were all his own making¡ªhe took the responsibility on himself.  Forgiving prematurely, however, is a terrible mistake that prevents you from being determined to save yourself.

    You have to figure out that no matter how unsatisfactory your parents' life was in the past, it is not your turn to be responsible for your childhood misfortunes.  Parents are the ones who should take responsibility.

    Therefore, you must jump out of the trap of premature forgiveness and first find a way to liberate yourself from the control of your parents.  Only then can you achieve true peace.  "

    Forgive me?  Ah!  Liu Xingting snorted coldly in his heart, he couldn't forgive them!

    Chu Lihua's voice, the more you listen to it, the better it sounds, and the more you listen to it, the more pleasant it is, she is still slowly talking, "The third step is to establish boundaries.

    The purpose of establishing boundaries is not to say that you have to completely cut off contact with your parents, but to tell them clearly that 'you are not only a member of the family, but also an independent individual, and you must defend your dignity and rights as a human being.  '

    To establish boundaries, you first need to be less reactive and more responsive in your interactions with your parents.

    What is the difference between reactand respond?  I will give an example.  Sandy's parents were particularly adept at using guilt to control her.  A saying that parents often say is 'ungrateful, I raised you so big for nothing.  '

    And Sandy was eager to defend: 'I didn't!  Have you forgotten the past xx?  I always think about you, why I have done so much and you are not satisfied!  '

    This is Sandy's instinctive reaction to the accusation, showing that she still wants to be approved by her parents.  I used to be one of those people too.

    If you always use your instinctive response, it will always be a passive situation of 'the parents are desperately attacking, and you are tired of defending'.

    The correct way is that you use more non-defensive responses.  Sandy's parents offered to move in with her, and Sandy could say, 'Let me think about it, I need a few days to think about it'.

    The parents gave a lot of reasons to move in and live together, and Sandy said: 'Well, I understand'.  Her parents urged her to say 'we're waiting for your answer, what the hell do you mean?  '

    ¡®I know you need an answer, but I also need to think about it first.  '

    OK, this round is over.  After waiting a few days, Sandy made his position clear to them, allowing them to stay for a few days on the specified date, but they had to move back after a few days.

    The parents would come up with accusations of ingratitude again, so Sandy should say: 'If you look at it that way, I'm really sorry.  '

    Have you found it?  The point is that you use "oh", "I see", "that's it",'I'm sorry', 'You have the right to insist on your point of view'.

    In this case, this is a response that is neither defensive nor defensive.  It's like when the other party wants to play table tennis with you, and when he hits the ball, you don't catch it, and it falls to the ground with a 'slap'.

    Is there any way to continue the opponent's game?  And most importantly, you stayed calm throughout and avoided allowing yourself to be drawn into strong negative emotions.

    Responding well can help you gain more space in your daily interactions and be more confident and calm when facing your parents.  But this is not enough, it cannot fundamentally reverse the balance of power between you and your parents.

    You need to find an opportunity to have a formal confrontation with your parents.  The so-called "confrontation" is a general liquidation.  In a confrontation, you tell your parents that you fully understand the way they have treated you in the past.

    You also tell them how you feel about it, how their actions have affected your life, and what you want from them going forward.

    In short, this formal confrontation is not only a summary of history, but also the formulation of new rules.

    It is the most important link in the entire remediation process.  Therefore, you need to choose the way of confrontation carefully.

    Phone calls are not suitable, parents can easily hang up on you.  You may consider writing a letter.  The advantage of writing a letter is that you can modify what you want to say until you are satisfied.

    It also gives parents the chance to read and think over and over again.  Especially if the parents are violent, writing a letter is the safest form.

    This is the method I read from the book to rescue myself from my original family.  I don't know if it's suitable for you, but I've already memorized it in my heart.

    Because, I look forward to one day I can use it.  Then, completely rescue yourself from the original family.

    I have tried it once, but unfortunately, my parents are very uncooperative.

    However, I will not give up, I believe this method is useful.

    I will still look for opportunities, find opportunities where I can occupy the home court, and solve this matter well.  "(Remember this site URL: www.hlnovel.com
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