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248 Struggling with Fear

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    ?

    After a "bang", the person who was on the conveyor belt disappeared.  Soon, two workers came over, and they moved the father from the cart to the conveyor belt.  At this moment, I finally understand what the uneasiness in my heart has been.  My uneasiness still comes from my father.  The passing of my father took a huge toll on my spirit.  But no matter what, these days, I can still look at my father all the time, and I can still be by his side all the time.  However, after a while, his father will be completely reduced to fly ash, and his father will completely disappear from this world.  I really can't accept that the father who has been supporting the family upright has disappeared so completely, leaving almost no trace except in our hearts.  I feel like my heart is about to break.  After understanding the reason for the anxiety, the anxiety in my heart immediately turned into fear, and it was the kind of suffocating fear.

    In the midst of immense fear, I stared at my father extremely greedily, without blinking.  I was very afraid, afraid that after I blinked my eyes, my father would disappear, and he would disappear completely.  I don't know if it's because of staring at it for a long time without blinking, or because of the sadness that surges out of my heart. I haven't been able to figure it out until now. After all, fear and sadness are sometimes difficult to distinguish.  But anyway, looking at it, my vision blurred, and tears welled up involuntarily.

    After my father passed away, I never cried like my mother.  In my impression, I only cried twice, and both were silent tears.  It's not that I want to cry, but I can't help crying.  Once, it was an emergency in the hospital. After everything was arranged, I sat next to my father on the way home.  After calming down from all kinds of busyness, the grief accumulated due to the death of my father was truly released.  The rain of tears at that time did not really stop until the car arrived home and I re-entered a new round of busyness.  This time, it was when my father was about to be passed into the incinerator.  Last time, it was an eternal separation between man and heaven on the spiritual level, but this time, even the physical body will be completely separated.  From then on, my father's voice and smile will completely disappear from this world.  Under the combined effect of fear and sadness, I, who had been pretending to be strong, finally could no longer control my emotions.  Maybe, in the eyes of outsiders, I am unfilial, because outsiders have never seen me cry.  It's just that, in order to flaunt my filial piety, I can't do things like pretending to grab the sky and even spending money to cry.  Whether I cry or not cry is a true expression of my own feelings. My crying is definitely not artificial, but involuntary when I am so emotional.  Those two times, even if I wanted to, I couldn't do it without crying.  When I don't cry, it's not because I don't want to cry, but because I know that I have to keep a calm mind, because from the moment my father passed away, I have taken over my father's tall and straight spine, and I have to bravely challenge him.  Take up the responsibility of the family.  From that moment on, I was the breadwinner of the family.  It's not that I don't want to cry, but that I have to be strong and calm.  Otherwise, father's funeral will be a mess.

    Although my vision was blurry, I could still see the slowly opening furnace door and the blazing soaring flame behind the furnace door.  At the same time as the furnace door was opened, the conveyor belt started slowly.  I saw my father being moved slowly towards the hearth.  At that moment my fear was at its peak.  Because of the deep attachment and reluctance in my heart, I really had the urge to rush forward and hold my father back.  Because, I really don't want to see my father being passed into the furnace, I really don't want my father to be reduced to ashes.  At this moment, I even miss the ice coffin.  It turned out that outside the ice coffin, it was also a kind of happiness to silently accompany the father who seemed to be asleep.  But, now, even such happiness, I can no longer have it.  At this moment, I feel that the world is so cruel and unfair.  In my opinion, there is absolutely no torture in this world that can be more cruel than the eternal separation of loved ones.

    I don't know when my tears stopped, my eyes were fixed on the constantly rotating conveyor belt.  At this time, it is absolutely extremely difficult to stop the urge in my heart to hold my moving father or stop the transmission of the conveyor belt.  Fortunately, I have always been relatively rational, and I restrained the impulse in my heart that was about to burst out with incomparable willpower.  At that time, I held my father's portrait in my arms, and my hands were tightly held together.  I'm so busy these days that I don't have time to cut my nails at all.  As a result, the long nails on the fingers gradually sank into the palm of the hand.  The sharp pain coming from the palm of my hand is constantly stimulating my nerves.  It was this kind of piercing pain that allowed me to maintain the calmness I deserved at the most critical time.  Now, I'm kind of glad I was too busy to cut my nails.  Because, if it weren't for the severe pain caused by the nails, then in the end, my reason may be difficult to overcome the almost uncontrollable impulse.

    Now, I finally know, ?Why are the staff of the funeral home so reluctant to let the family members enter the burning place?  Because, watching one's relatives being incinerated, such pain is definitely not something ordinary people can bear.  I've heard it before of people who throw themselves into the flames resolutely when they see their loved ones enter the hearth.  Of course, such a thing is likely to be exaggerated.  However, the urge to rush to the hearth at that time was real.  I don't know what kind of equipment the funeral home used to have.  However, with the current belt-type way of entering the furnace, even if you really want to enter the furnace, it is by no means an easy task.  After all, the entrance and exit of the hearth are only a small space where the dead can enter while lying down.  Therefore, from the point of view of the facilities, it should be absolutely safe even for those bystanders who have difficulty restraining their inner impulses.  However, I sometimes wonder, if the incinerator is in a low-lying undefended place, how many family members who lose control of their emotions will rush to the flames?  In fact, it is really hard to say about human feelings, otherwise there would not be so many people who died for love from ancient times to the present.

    My hands have been holding tightly.  I definitely didn't do it because I wanted to calm myself down.  I do this subconsciously.  Because of the strong reluctance in my heart, I clenched my fists subconsciously.  It's a bit like clenching your fists when you're extremely angry.  And the sharp pain coming from the palm is just a side effect.  As for the unexpected result that such severe pain could make me restrain my inner impulse, it was not what I could have expected at the time.  (Remember the site URL: www.hlnovel.com
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