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001 Liu Bei's Text Message (Part 2) [Ask for Flowers, Ask for Tickets]

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    Jin Shanyu himself can't remember how many nights like this, and when it started, even a peaceful sleep has become a luxury.  Not sure how many things are going on in your head, how to calm them down, how to forget things.  Fear of the sudden quiet environment every time I lie down on the bed, fear of always repeating the same picture in my mind every time, fear of being troubled by the same nightmare every night, fear of always being exhausted every time I wake up.

    When you try hard to forget some things, in fact, you just let them repeat in your mind again, which only deepens your memory.  She remembered reading this sentence in a novel.  It really makes sense.  Perhaps it is a mistake to deliberately forget itself.

    Forget, that was an encounter related to Li Wendong.

    Now, she wants to piece together all the memories of that "him" who has passed away, but she can't remember it.  Only his smile, playing in front of his eyes; only his voice, whispering warmly in his ears

    When he couldn't sleep, Jin Shanyu could only open his notebook.

    She quietly wrote down these thoughts that were late for an unknown amount of time.

    be late

    This is a long overdue log.

    It's not that I don't have time, it's just that I deliberately delayed the fact that I should have accepted it long ago.

    The moment I fainted today, I did not lose consciousness, but at that moment, I experienced love. It was an indescribable and indescribable feeling, which is why it was called **  .  why love?  I don't know, I love it when I love it.

    Yan Zhu's departure, perhaps, is a fact that I haven't been able to accept up to this moment.  Everything happened so suddenly, so unbelievably,

    Like A Ke said, it was like a dream, how could so many bizarre things happen to one person at the same time.  After all, it is true, and it is also true for me.

    Yan, I have never called him that. In my impression, his full name is always complete when I say it from my mouth, but I don¡¯t know when, in my heart, Yan has changed.  So familiar and kind.  Not Liu Yanjiu, just Yanjiu.

    Many people told me that they would love me for the rest of their lives, but I said, I don¡¯t believe anyone except Yan.  I don't even know why I believe him, but I know, I believe him, I always have.  In fact, he really did it, "until death, love even after death", I remember.

    Bone cancer, a term I have heard countless times in TV dramas, just happened to me, and happened to Yan Qiu in such a dramatic way.  When I first heard about it, I thought it was ridiculous, I thought it was totally unbelievable, I thought it was impossible.  In my impression, whenever he appeared in front of me, he was always full of vigor and a gentle smile, as if he would never get sick.  Until the last time I saw him, my impression of him remained unchanged.

    I really can't imagine, what kind of strength supported him to show his best side in front of me from the beginning to the end, and he never told me about his illness until the day we parted.  And at the last moment, I was stingy with a little hug from me, which was the only wish that Yan Chu had for me from the beginning to the end, and I flatly rejected it without hesitation.  It is only today that I understand what true love is, and I also realize that I have missed a true love.

    In fact, I know that if that day, the day we met for the last time, if you persisted for another five minutes, maybe I would promise you and be with you, maybe only five minutes.  But you didn't, and I'm glad you didn't, because I couldn't, shouldn't, couldn't.  Because I can't forgive myself for hurting someone who really loves me, because I know that I can't give the same love, just like the heroine in the story of "My Sassy Girl", I also want to clear myself  The fetters in my heart, so I can fill you in my heart completely, because it is only fair to you, you gave me 12 years, but God didn't, and I didn't cherish it well.  My love, if it is unfair to you, I would rather you forget me, and I would rather you think I am unfeeling and selfish.

    But I was wrong again, how could I have thought that until that time, you were still thinking about me; how could I have thought that you decided to let me forget you because you were afraid of my sadness; how could I have thought that your condition has worsened  It's so fast; how could I have thought that I would hurt you for the last time under the banner of doing your best.

    Why didn't you tell me?  You should really hope that I can be by your side during the last period of time, right?  Why not?  I don't deserve you to think about me like this

      "He is gone, this morningsad!"

    I still clearly remember every word of that text message.  Every word hit my heart heavily, but I couldn't feel the pain.

    So empty, I have never felt so empty in my heart, I don¡¯t know what it feels like, just so empty, as if my heart has never accommodated anyone or anything, as if everything around me has nothing to do with me, as if the world suddenly  Much quieter.  There are only all kinds of things I have studied, from when I met him to when I separated from him, from laughter to crying, to the daily phone calls and messages in the past two years

    I didn't cry, I didn't feel sad, I didn't feel anything.  Am I really cold-blooded?  Ake, Xiaolu, Tian'er, they all seem to be much sadder than me.

    But I still feel that I am dreaming, as if I wake up, everything will be different, everything will return to the way it was before, nothing happened.

    ? I just received a new message from Liu Xuande, saying that all the presents that Yanzhu had prepared for me before his death were all there, and that she would send them to me.  Till this time, I have never forgotten my birthday. Every year on this day, there will be gifts and phone calls. Every year, I have never forgotten it.  Only this time, it's no longer a study.

    Why do good people never live long?  Why do you want me to live such a healthy and painful life?  Maybe I'm not a good person

    Yan Zhu, on a day like today, I cannot live without you, this silent devotee who has never forgotten my birthday, I never thought that he would not even neglect this year's gift, and he would have already prepared everything.  For once, he couldn't call, text, or send in person

    I know that his gifts are carefully prepared every time, unexpected and reasonable. Although I haven't received them yet, I understand his heart, but maybe it's too late.

    Jin Shanyu looked at the almost soaked sweater in his hand again. When he came back, the sky had changed, and it was pouring like heavy rain, but it was still the clothes he gave him to protect him from the wind and rain

    Yan Research once said to me: According to legend, every butterfly is the reincarnation of a flower.  Some people are wondering, why are you so stubborn and persistent in the transformation of life after life?  Yan Jiu said lightly, it's just because you love so badly that you can't give up, no matter if you are alive, dead or reincarnated, as long as you are there, you will definitely follow and have no regrets.  Yes, Xiao Yuer, no matter if I become a flower or a butterfly, if I meet you, I will also be destined to be ashes.

    Yan Qiu's confession reminded me of my own motto of "love": If you frown for the king in this life, why not turn your heart into ashes?  It's just that I read it and found out that he did it.

    Today, I exhausted all my strength and made a wish. I hope that this wish for my birthday today can be fulfilled like the previous birthday wishes that have been fulfilled:

    Let Liu Yanzhu live well, let me love him well, let him love me well.

    Sunday September 9, 2012

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